[[ I wrote this post while drinking 5 Bière Nigers (I was charged for 6, though). I am redacting parts that I wouldn't post sober, but I'm leaving a lot in given the interesting events of my first day in Nigeria--Mark Monday, November 17, 2008 9:07 am Nigerian local time.]]
So here I am at the Hotel Jangorzo in Maradi, Niger close to the Nigerian border on Friday night. I have not much CFA money and not able to lock my room securely so I can't go out.
Right now my life sucks. Bad! [Redacted] I'm back to square one in Seattle when I return. Hell, I'm probably even behind since it will be harder to find a job in this market than in the market when I last looked and landed a job on the second interview. [Redacted]
My iPod is toast. Maybe I can get it repaired when I return, but for the rest of my trip it is done. No more ABBA. I'm not a happy camper right now. And I'm about to enter the most aggressive African country, Nigeria. I have no idea what to expect--everyone has warnings. As long as I'm not the victim of criminal activity, I'll be OK. Lonely Planet says it's not a place for first-timers. I suppose I'm no longer a first-timer. I've been through quite a bit. I've been battle hardened. I still get ripped off, but I can take care of myself more than ever before. And I am pretty much immune to appeals to my sympathy. Tell me that if I don't give you 20¢, you'll starve to death? Then, I'll let you starve to death. Solving your problem is not my role. I'm a tourist. If you have something to sell that I want to buy and we agree on a price, we have a deal. Otherwise, if you want charity, don't come to me. I'll help the old and infirm but not just a merchant who failed to convince me to buy something. There is no consolation prize.
Today is a low point. Right now, I only want to go home. I have half a mind to get to Lagos and skip Cameroon--just change my Douala to Accra ticket on Dec 12th to just get me on the next Virgin Nigeria flight to Accra. I can get by in Accra with no problem. I can house myself cheaply and just hang out in Osu for a month until my KLM flight to ORD. But I won't. I've had low points before. I didn't give up those times. I won't give up now. It will be challenging. Actually, I think that Nigeria isn't as bad as everyone says. I think I'll be fine. I'll probably be there for 12 days. Then it's all Cameroon. The unknown is scary. But then the unknown becomes the known. My trip wasn't easy, but I know what I'm doing. In some ways I know people will be impressed by what I've done. But, having done it, I know how easy it was. It seems too easy. It seems unimpressive. I'm just taking it one day at a time. I see the problems in front of me but I just go forward without thinking--I can't think or I'd be paralyzed. And it turns out OK because that's just how life works. It's not me doing something incredible--it's just me living life ignoring fear out of necessity. Anyone else would do the same. Things just work out with or without my effort. Yet, I'll get credit for it. Do I deserve it? I don't feel like it. But a part of me also knows that I went through it. Maybe it isn't as easy as it seems. Maybe the ability to suspend thought and just persevere is something creditable, after all. Maybe I can feel proud of what I've done rather than think that anyone could do it but they just haven't tried. I don't know. I want to think so. But I have no choice. I can't but move in the direction I move. There is no other real option. When there is no option, is there merit in moving? When there is only one choice, why should anyone get credit if that choice seems like a hard choice? It's the only real choice.
Anyway, tomorrow I enter Nigeria. I will conquer or be conquered by Nigeria. I am confident that I will hold up to everything Nigeria has to offer. It may be hard, but so were my first two days in Dakar. I got a pretty rude introduction to West Africa and I got through it. It wasn't easy. I was filled with self-doubt and a desire to just get the hell out for a long time. I constantly weighed the cost of failure against the cost of forging ahead. I thought about just going to an airport and buying a ticket back to O'Hare for a long time. It wasn't until I was in Gabu, Guinea-Bissau that I broke through and realized that I could actually finish this. Since then, I haven't really had thoughts of going home early. I have them occasionally but nothing like the sustained thoughts of giving up I had in Senegal and Gambia. Right now, I'm having those thoughts again. I know I can fight them. All I really fear is the unknown. The unknown of how many Euros to change into Naira and whether to do it at the autogare or closer to the border. Do they even want Euros in Nigeria? The fear that there won't be a usable ATM in Kano. The fear that I won't have small enough currency to dash the Nigerian officials in all their various border procedures--apparently there are a bunch. The fear that some unscrupulous person in Nigeria will see that I'm white and stalk me until he can make off with my laptop and journal. There is a lot to fear. There is a lot of uncertainty. But I have learned to live with uncertainty. I know that I can get through anything. Even in French--and Nigeria is English speaking, so I have an advantage there since I actually understand what's going on around me.
Tomorrow I'll go to the autogare and head to Kano, Nigeria. It's a 4 hour trip. I'll get there early and find a place to stay and find an ATM. I'll do this because I have no choice. It is what I have to do. There is no courage in this. There is only the knowledge that there is one road and I have no choice but to travel it.
Sorry for my self-indulgent post. If I even post this. As I write this I have had quite a few beers. If I do post I when I'm sober and have better judgement then you, dear reader, get another glimpse into the reality of long term solo travel. [Redacted] A need to change their way of life from time to time to restore their sanity and humanity. To test their boundaries in ways they can't in their normal life. Or for me, a way to test those boundaries that I can test while avoiding the boundaries I'm still afraid to test. Maybe there are two reasons--to test boundaries otherwise untestable, and to test boundaries to prove you can still test boundaries while still being fearful of boundaries that are more available but more menacing. [Redacted] But I can learn French and travel in Francophone West Africa. As if the second success makes up for the first failure. It doesn't. [Redacted] I can do this trip, though--in French. And maybe if I can prove to myself that I can this, I can do what I couldn't do before. I don't know. What I do know is that I got sick of failure and inability to act. I had to do something. And I chose this rather extreme action as a sort of therapy. I'll find out when I get back. I have a lot less self doubt than before. But I still have a lot. I am way too introspective to ever not have self doubt. [Redacted]
Friday, November 14, 2008 23:15 Niger local time
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2 comments:
i rather quite enjoyed reading this. i love getting a peek into people's minds when they are at their lowest and what their true thoughts are about life and struggles. you might have been a bit buzzed *lol* but that made it all the more uninhibited and that is what makes for good reading! :)
hopefully you have at least learned that your self-doubt is probably mostly unnecessary--in africa AND back home. trust yourself!
Yeah, s\just a "bit" buzzed. ;-)
I often write these, but I rarely post them. I'll always suffer from self-doubt. I don't understand people who don't have self-doubt. They must be really good at lying because they are fooling even themselves.
I do trust myself. I can only trust people who have self-doubt. All others are self-deluding fraudsters. :-)
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